Haunting eyes: an Israeli soldier’s moral awakening

What was the turning point for you?

During my first operation in the Jenin refugee camp, after extensive training, I experienced a high-intensity moment when I unexpectedly confronted a young boy, which highlighted the intense psychological impact of such operations on both soldiers and civilians.

In that moment, when I grabbed him and felt how light he was, adrenaline surged through me. I was focused on my duty, but as I set up my thermal camera and began scanning the camp, reality hit me. I realised that my actions—intended to protect Israel—had destroyed this family's peaceful night.

I thought about my own children. If someone dragged them from their beds in the middle of the night, I would react violently. What surprised us during initial operations was how obedient the families were, likely out of fear, as we were armed. The eyes of the boy I confronted stayed with me. Nearly 20 years later, I cannot forget them.

I was raised in a military family with a strong sense of duty to defend Israel—my father and brothers all served in elite units—but after that first encounter, I began to question if this was truly protecting Israel.

Over three years, my team invaded hundreds of Palestinian homes and conducted numerous operations, most of which were aimed at demonstrating our presence rather than actual armed confrontations.

The strategy often involved instilling fear and showing control, whether through checkpoints, detaining people in the streets, or conducting night-time raids. The goal was to establish dominance, making it clear who was in charge.

This form of control was frightening, as it violated the most intimate spaces of people's lives. Regardless of whether families complied or resisted, we stormed into their homes, instilling fear and asserting our authority, regardless of their personal safety or dignity.

How frequent were these operations?

During my military service, most of my experiences involved conducting such operations. Once I transitioned back to civilian life after completing my service, I began to reflect on my actions and question them.

As a first step, I travelled to South America for a year with a fellow soldier, adhering to a couple of rules: we only travelled with international friends and refrained from spending money on buses or hotels, opting instead to hitchhike and camp out to fully immerse ourselves in the continent.

As I interacted with people from around the world, I was continually bombarded with questions about Israel—settlements, the legality of military outposts, and international law. I found myself defending Israel, feeling like an ambassador, despite secretly opposing many of the actions I was justifying.

Before my trip, my former mentor at the Special Forces unit, Shahar, recommended I join Breaking the Silence. Initially, I dismissed it, as I wanted to avoid politics. Throughout the year, we kept in touch and engaged in political debates over email.

After returning to Israel and enrolling in a teacher training programme to become a history teacher, I attended a lecture by someone from BtS. This piqued my interest, and after many years of reflection, I decided to join.

I called Shahar to inform him. He told me that now the real challenge begins: exploring the realities of the occupation, him mentoring me through this new journey. It was a significant moment for me, since I trusted him deeply. Tragically, he was killed on October 7 2023, an event that impacted me profoundly.

How did you receive the shocking news of the October 7 attacks?

When the attacks began, I quickly gathered my children and opened Twitter, realising the severity of the situation was unlike any regular siren or assault. At that time, I was BtS deputy director.

I promptly divided up the contact information for our testifiers, donors, and supporters in the Gaza envelope (the area of Israel around Gaza) to check on their well-being. My first call was to Shahar, who was part of the first response team for his kibbutz, who was armed and ready for such emergencies.

He fought bravely for seven hours to protect the medical clinic, caring for the wounded until he ran out of ammunition, ultimately sacrificing his life. After his father conveyed the harrowing details to me, I learned that Shahar told the Hamas attackers outside: "I'm not your enemy." Then they threw a grenade.

There was only one survivor from the clinic who later shared this poignant story. Now, Shahar's message—I am not your enemy—is inscribed on the walls of the clinic, a testament to his peaceful nature and commitment to humanity.

A couple of months ago, I was asked by his father to bring the BtS staff to the kibbutz. Current and former staff members joined me for a tour where he recounted the events of 7 October, including the moment Shahar was killed and what transpired afterwards.

We were all struck by his resilience and conviction. I found it difficult to respond; Shahar's father's belief in peace after such tragedy left me in awe. This underscored the vital need for us to strive for peace, inspired by Shahar's legacy.

What challenges did you face in finding the courage to share your story?

Giving my testimony in 2011, I was shaking, terrified of sending my teammates to jail, feeling like a traitor. Back then, without WhatsApp, I wrote a lengthy letter to my team in a closed Facebook group. Their responses were dismissive, siding with me despite not supporting the idea of BtS.

It was tough for my military family. My father shouted at me during dinner, calling me a traitor and suggesting I go live in Syria or Gaza. My mother was in tears, worried I wouldn't find a job.

My older brother, a former Special Forces soldier, blamed my activism for the death of his friends. He misunderstood the timing of events—their deaths occurred before BtS was established in 2004.

Over the years, political arguments with my family eventually led them to support BtS. During the same period, the rest of Israeli society was preoccupied with the end of the occupation, believing our actions had ceased.

Attacks on BtS intensified after we published our first testimonies on the Gaza conflict in 2009, coinciding with Operation Cast Lead. The Israeli state and military began targeting us. It showed how discussing the Gaza occupation was far more contentious than addressing the West Bank.

In 2016, an extreme right-wing organisation infiltrated BtS, planting spies and manufacturing false testimonies against us. They used an ex-Shin Bet agent and regular soldiers to collect information, harass us and promote lies in the Israeli media.

Physically, we faced attacks in Israel as well, including universities. Yet, we refuse to be silenced. Remaining silent is not an option. You have three actors when it comes to the Israeli occupation: soldiers, settlers, and the Palestinians. The Palestinians, unfortunately, don't have a strong voice.

Since 1967, Israelis have granted the mandate for ongoing occupation, so my experiences as a soldier are not solely my secret; they are part of a collective reality that must be shared.

What are you planning to release?

We're preparing to release our findings from the Gaza war in the next two weeks. Since October 7, our interviews with soldiers have significantly lengthened, up to six hours each, unlike the usual 2-4 hours.

These soldiers are recounting intense experiences from a year of conflict in the West Bank, such as demolishing houses and harming Palestinians. It's imperative that we verify each testimony, which is time-consuming. We have had many testimonies since October 7, but only the verified ones can be submitted for military censorship.

We'll be able to share numerous testimonies and photos, including an important one from a detainee base that received military approval. This story revealed the torture Palestinians endure. We also uncovered the Mosquito Protocol, which involves using Palestinians as human shields in Gaza.

These stories are crucial and need to be shared immediately to inform Israelis and the world about the realities of violence and revenge rather than government narratives of "security". Our mission at BtS is to ensure transparency so the public can understand the true situation rather than relying on misleading smokescreens.

How do you encourage soldiers and officers to speak with you?

Most of those providing testimony approach us because we are well-known in the human rights sector, one of the largest, focusing on anti-occupation efforts. In January, we held our first public event in Tel Aviv about the war, attracting 400-500 attendees, including soldiers and reservists in uniform.

After the event, several soldiers shared their experiences with us. We set up information booths on campuses across Israel, where many students who served in Gaza come to talk to us. They often refer friends from their units who are also interested in sharing their stories.

Most of these testimonies begin with soldiers saying they joined the reserves to help release hostages and fight Hamas, which they see as a legitimate cause, but later realise that instead of freeing hostages, they are causing harm to civilians and engaging in actions that don't align with their original intent.

A soldier who was ordered to burn houses—a common practice, apparently—felt conflicted about it, saying that while he was prepared to engage in combat, setting homes on fire and destroying books crossed a line for him. It reflects a significant shift in perception that many soldiers undergo during their time in Gaza.

Has anyone defied a commander's orders?

Not reported by BtS, but another Israeli organisation reported that 170 reservist soldiers who fought in Gaza would refuse to fight again because they were killing hostages. During an event by this organisation, one soldier said he refused an order to burn a house and returned to Israel, facing no military penalty.

Though this number is small compared to the overall 100,000 reservists, it's significant given its historical context. Some soldiers also refused orders to demolish entire neighbourhoods or to enter refugee camps, realising they weren't truly fighting Hamas but instead destroying homes and harming civilians, including hostages.

Why have no pilots come forward?

Pilots operate very differently from ground soldiers as they don't experience the same intense reality on the ground, like the sight and smell of death and destruction, such as dogs scavenging human remains. Pilots are insulated from that.

The Israeli army embraces a doctrine that aims to create significant destruction as a means of achieving military objectives, especially in asymmetric warfare against groups like Hezbollah and Hamas.

Unlike traditional warfare, where victories are marked by tangible conquests—such as taking land and planting Israeli flags on it—these conflicts focus on prolonging the fighting distance. This approach involves inflicting significant damage on civilian infrastructure.

For example, substantial artillery fire has increased over the years: more than 100,000 shells in recent operations compared to previous conflicts. This leads to a continuous cycle of violence, where greater firepower is deemed necessary to send a message.

Critics argue that this doctrine hasn't proven effective in past conflicts, like in South Lebanon and Gaza, where targets are often based on moving military assets, which complicates the criteria for what constitutes a legitimate target. They may target a house as a legitimate military objective if Hamas munitions are inside, but this raises ethical concerns, especially when civilians are at risk.

Moreover, the process for validating targets after some time is flawed, and without the practice of roof-knocking for warnings, the potential for collateral damage increases. The dynamic nature of conflict means that even the presence of Hamas operatives can unexpectedly reclassify a civilian structure as a military target, which raises significant moral dilemmas.

Do you consider actions in Gaza over the past 16 months to be genocide?

We are neither lawyers nor experts in international law, so I cannot speak definitively about genocide. However, I can confidently say that what is happening in Gaza is beyond any scale we recognise.

For years, when I talked about Operation Protective Edge in 2014, I told Israelis that we killed 2,200 people in Gaza, including 529 children, and 93 of those were infants. These numbers have been dismissed by some Israelis who insist I'm lying, claiming it's impossible for us to have killed 2,200 people and that only about 1,000 of them could be innocent civilians. Yet the real figures are likely to be much higher.

Furthermore, we received one testimony from operations in Gaza stating that if we (Israeli soldiers) shot and killed individuals (civilians), they would be classified as terrorists. There is no need to find a weapon or provide justification. I would often tell Israelis that they couldn't possibly deny that we killed 500 children. Yet here we are today, witnessing these events unfold in Gaza over the past year.

It is abundantly clear that there is a dehumanisation of Palestinians, not only within the Israeli army but also among the public and particularly in the Israeli media, which seems to be in a state of denial, showing limited footage from Gaza.

Everyone on the planet understands the situation in Gaza better than the average Israeli does, yet they can live just a few dozen kilometres away. It's a 50-minute drive from our office to the checkpoint, which is astonishing.

People everywhere know what's happening. Recently, in London, at the Jewish centre in Finchley, I spoke with British Jews my age who know more about the situation than anyone I see on (Israeli) TV. They are also protesting.

Since October 7, the Israeli media has lost its way. That day marked the worst terror attack in our history. Now, we need to see what Israel is doing beyond sanitised army videos. These clips show destruction but omit the realities on the ground—no starving children, no babies freezing at night, no child amputees.

Al Jazeera was shut down in Israel for offering a view into Gaza that other channels did not. It's now inaccessible unless you use a VPN, reinforcing the long-standing policy of shielding Israelis from Gaza's realities.

A journalist from Israel's Channel 12 noted that during the 2014 Gaza war, Benjamin Netanyahu's office urged them to showcase more destruction to reassure Israelis that action was being taken. It's a deeply ingrained mindset.

In this conflict, soldiers feel it's justified to share videos of looting, demolishing homes, and dehumanising Palestinians. Ultimately, Israeli society exists in a bubble. Politicians insist that we are always right and perpetuate a victim narrative. Though we have the strongest army in the Middle East, there remains a pervasive sense of vulnerability and confusion about our global standing.

How do you see this Israeli media bubble?

Most Israelis consume news primarily through Hebrew channels, newspapers, and websites, with few engaging with international sources like CNN or BBC. For many, the BBC in Israel is like the devil. When I shared with friends in Israel about my meeting with BBC editors in London, they were shocked, seeing them as enemies.

Our leaders often tell us we are justified in our actions, repeating mantras about being the most moral army in the galaxy facing threats from Hamas, who they claim hide among civilians and use UN aid organisations for their purposes. This rhetoric creates a bubble, isolating Israelis from dissenting views, particularly those critical of the government.

When watching Israeli news, my political perspectives are rarely represented. A Channel 12 reporter commented on the release of Palestinian prisoners, saying they should be "shot in the head," despite many of those released—including women and minors—being held without charge.

Many Israelis believe they are the only democracy in the Middle East, but this notion is misleading. We had only six months of no military regime in 1967, and that was over 50 years ago.

This skewed perception contributes to the comfort soldiers feel in sharing videos of their actions, including those from conflicts in South Lebanon and Syria.

Do you think right-wing extremists have taken over the Israeli army?

Over 40 years ago, the settler movement aimed for a state takeover to pursue annexation, infiltrating the political sphere and gaining control of various ministries, including education, but they struggled to establish themselves within the Israeli army, as settlers often live in isolation and don't typically rise to officer rank.

To address this, they initiated pre-military academies that train young Israelis for leadership roles in the military. Currently, there are about 150 of these academies, with most right-leaning.

Reports suggest that over 50% of new combat officers in the Israeli army come from this background, despite settlers representing less than 10% of the Israeli population. This trend is evident among high-ranking officers as well. Many in key positions are settlers, indicating a significant shift within the army towards right-wing influence.

There is a disproportionate number of settlers in the army compared to their representation in society, particularly among those killed or wounded in recent conflicts. Many of these soldiers not only serve on active duty but also in reserves, which have become more settled-oriented over the past 15 years.

This helps explain the situation in Gaza. The army follows a "zero casualty" doctrine for its soldiers, employing overwhelming force to protect us. Tactics include aggressive house entry techniques that prioritise soldier safety, often at the expense of civilian lives.

For instance, operations involve using grenades and explosives to secure buildings before entering. As a result, many civilians suffer the consequences, leading to widespread destruction in Gaza, akin to the aftermath of an earthquake.

Given your experiences, what are your thoughts on the Israeli Netflix series Fauda?

I have reservations about the glorification of death and extreme militarism depicted in shows like Fauda. My main concern is that it presents the Israeli and Palestinian sides as equals, suggesting it's an equal conflict. In reality, we are the occupiers.

While the show does depict the occupation to some extent, I believe it conveys a misleading message. It doesn't accurately portray the true challenges faced by undercover units. My friends from BtS have shared their experiences from the undercover unit. Some struggle with dual identities and endure trauma.

I remember my own time in operations. There were moments when you would find yourself in the heart of a Palestinian city, like Nablus, with just 12 of us. It was frightening; if something went wrong, you were alone. Those experiences make me think deeply about the soldiers involved in such operations.

How do you envision the role of the international community in supporting the genuine normalisation between Israel and Arab countries?

I should mention that we are breaking ground on a concept we believe in: genuine normalisation. This means an authentic approach based on the Saudi Initiative, often called the Arab Initiative.

Specifically, we're talking about the two-state solution proposed in 2002 during the summit, where East Jerusalem would serve as the Palestinian capital. That is the normalisation we seek.

We recognise the significant role the Saudis play in this context and feel that what we need to see on the ground is substantial progress rather than vague promises about a "pathway" to a Palestinian state. For two decades, we believe that the Saudi Initiative has represented the best proposal available.